December 22, 2016

...A Birthday Cometh...

Warning: emotionally vulnerable curves ahead...

I'm usually one of those people that get excited for their birthday.  I look forward to gifts, discounts at restaurants, calls from family and friends, and an excuse to eat as much yellow cake with chocolate frosting as I want.  This year however, feels different.

30 was no big deal.  I actually was excited about 30.  My twenties were just so awful between my parents splitting up, graduating without a job, then losing my first teaching job and basically kissing my teaching career good bye thanks to a bitch of a principal, followed by years of financial struggle and searching for a career path, and additionally watching all my close friends marry off one by one and start their families while I waited in the wings... my 20's weren't what most older adults reminisce about.  They were AWFUL and I was not sad to see them end.  I welcomed 30 with open arms.

But this year is 31.  31 feels different.  I'm officially IN my thirties now and that is terrifying in my eyes and from my perspective.  I'm in my thirties and I still have no idea what career path I'm headed down.  I'm in my thirties and I'm still surrounded by married friends and friends with small children, questioning if any of that will ever present itself in my future.  I'm in my thirties and still living paycheck to paycheck.  I'm in my thirties and back to square one in the health and fitness department due to setbacks presented over the last year.

I don't share any of this to gain pity from anyone.  But there are people in my life who don't seem to understand the state all of this has left me in.  I want to make it clear to those people, somehow.

I don't need pressure to get back on the fitness wagon because "you were just so happy when you were doing that".  As it was in the beginning... losing weight and getting healthy is like a drug or alcohol addiction... no one will get help or do what they need to do until they decide to.  Pressuring doesn't help.

I don't need married friends and friends with children telling me that marriage isn't all it seems, or that marriage is a lot of work, or that children cost a lot of money, or that these things completely change your life.  Blah Blah Blah. Your point?  Saying things like this does NOT help someone who longs for a family of their own, it just pisses them off.  So stop it.

As of right now, I still don't have a permanent position at my job.  There is so much tension and nervous energy that has built up within me that it's literally started to take a toll on my health.  There is a reality that if I don't receive an offer soon that I'll be forced to consider looking for a new job...again... and I'll have to say goodbye to one that I do enjoy and friends I've made in my office.

Again, none of this is said for attention or pity, but merely for awareness.  For those around me that may wonder why I've not been my happy self or have slipped back into old habits and negativity... it's not on purpose.  The best thing (and only good thing really) about having a birthday right after Christmas is that it falls right in line with the New Year.  Most people would agree that 2016 was probably the most ridiculous year on record and I don't think anyone will be sad to see it go.  I have to try and combine the hope that 2017 will be better with the determination to make 31 better 30 was. I have the power to be good to myself, take my health back into my own hands, surround myself with people who enrich my life, and choose where my career will go.  I have faith that things will work out and God's plan for my life is a good one even if I can't see that right now.

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