July 28, 2013

Looking Back Lovingly on a Fat Past

Warning: this is a weighty post, but it needs to be expressed.

I've been thinking today.  Sundays are my thinking days.  They're my days off from exercise.  They're my days to sleep in and spend time with God.  But, they're my days for thinking about things that I've put aside the rest of the week usually.  I've been reflecting on my weight loss situation.  I've plateaued the past few months which has left me a bit discouraged.  That is, until I happened to be looking through facebook photos and realized how far I've come.

Pictures like these.  Where I'm clearly smiling and finding joy... now cause a lot of pain.  To realize how heavy I was makes me want to cry.

 I've jokingly said to people that my twenties have been "the lost years".  I have very few pictures of my mid twenties comparatively to my high school and college years.  I'd like to say I'm just not a picture taker.  The reality is that I didn't want to be photographed.  I can't even say how many photos I've "untagged" myself from over the past several years.

How did I let myself get to that place?  I mostly blame several of the traumatic things that happened during my early/mid-twenties.  Divorce in the family, losing a job, losing two grandparents, saying goodbye to the house I grew up in as well as other things too.  I've equated the damage I did to that of an addiction to nicotine, alcohol, or drugs.  Scary right?  Food is meant to nourish us.  Sustain us.  Not calm us or block out the woes of the day.

This fat past of mine has left me a little haunted to say the least.  It's something I expect to battle the rest of my life.
But I have to force myself to love that poor girl.  She was trapped and it was only by God's grace that she found the motivation and drive she needed to stop hurting herself.

  I pray everyday for God's strength, comfort, and healing from the damage I've done to myself physically and emotionally.  

I've lost nearly 40 pounds since January.  I'm praying for the strength to continue to make those 5:30 am swim practices every week.  For the strength to run just a little farther.  For the strength to fuel my weight loss with food and ideas that will make me stronger.  
Thanks to people like Andie, I'm learning how to see joy in those old photos and to remember that I still had joy in those hard days.  And, as healthier as I am now, I'm not even done!  I've got a long way to go.  I've got a brand new too-small swimsuit hanging on my closet door motivating me to keep going.  

This is not the end of the story.  This is the intermission.  And, I know that act two is going to be better than the first.

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